Ex Wasnt Interested in Sex We Broke Up and Now Hes Sexual Again
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Cocky Counseling and Coaching. She's the writer of "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Dear," and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
HOW TO STOP OBSESSING Nearly YOUR EX'S NEW RELATIONSHIP: Until now you lot've been handling your divorce or suspension-upwardly process well. Y'all've gone through the confusion of whether to stay or get, and all the malaise and hard decisions that come with leaving. Merely you lot've been coping.
And then yous found out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new.
Now, waves of rage, pain, self-doubt, and resentment are crashing over you. "Coping" has been overwhelmed by a tempest of emotion. It feels like your blood has been replaced with Arctic seawater: Frozen and stinging at the aforementioned time.
What's worse? It. Is. All. You. Can. Recollect. About.
"Are they on the motorcycle right now? He's probably taking her to that restaurant I always wanted to become to that he said was too expensive. Are they belongings hands right now? I bet they're kissing. Maybe they are having sex right this very second. They probably skipped the motorcycle ride and decided to spend the day in bed. We used to do that…"
In your mind's eye yous play out scenes from your life together. Except your office is being played past someone who might be sexier, more fun or more than interesting. You lot meet your Ex — the happy, sweet, fun ane you kickoff savage in love with — sharing the best parts of themselves (and hiding the rest).
It's worse at night, when in that location are no distractions. The joy and passion you envision for them is fabricated all the more than cruel by the stark dissimilarity to your own silent bed. You lay sleepless, writhing in agony at the injustice. You want to stop thinking about information technology but you tin't. You feel trapped… in your own head.
Believe information technology or not, the function of your encephalon that sees things in your mind'south eye cannot differentiate between something that you're thinking nearly and something that is actually happening. So when yous're imagining your Ex and their new sex activity partner making out on the couch, you react to it emotionally (and physically) like yous were seeing it happen correct in front of you lot: Your heart starts racing, you feel nauseous, and you are filled with pain and rage.
Beingness victimized by these intrusive images is incredibly traumatizing. Ruminating does not bring whatsoever value to your healing process. Instead, information technology keeps you from moving frontwards. Trust me on this one: I've been working every bit a breakup recovery coach for a long fourth dimension, and even wrote a book all about the recovery process — Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love, if you're interested in learning more.
I know from walking with countless broken hearted people who are suffering the same manner that yous are, that time alone does NOT heal this. (Nor does forcing yourself to engagement again, or getting into therapy to "heal your self esteem" or any of those things. If you don't take deliberate action to take control over what's going on in your head and in your heart, you can stay stuck in this place for a actually long time.
In order to rescue yourself from the impotent madness of this obsession, in add-on to moving through some very specific stages of healing, you must learn and practice three new cognitive skills very deliberately, every day, until you're in the clear: Self-Awareness, Mindfulness, and Shifting.
1. Self Awareness
Self Sensation is the ability to think about what you're thinking about, and the fact that you are having an internal experience—not an bodily experience. It sounds simple, but it's very piece of cake to go swept away in our thoughts without even noticing what's happening.
The practice:
As soon as y'all go aware that you are thinking most your Ex, say, (out loud, if necessary) "I am thinking about something that is not happening correct now."
two. Mindfulness
Recognize that your vivid thoughts are activating all these scary, painful feelings, simply in reality zilch bad is really happening to you right at present. You are sitting at a table, eating a bowl of cereal. You lot are breathing. Anchoring yourself to the reality of the present moment by using your senses creates a protective bulwark between you and intrusive thoughts.
The practice:
Wait: Notice what your phone / tablet / laptop looks similar right now. Notice the colors, shapes, things y'all can see in the room around you.
Hear: What are you aware of hearing, right at present? Yammering in a coffee shop. Music through your headphones. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Feel: The chair under your barrel. Your feet on the flooring. The breath in your nostrils. The agonized feeling of heartbreak in your cadre. Emotions are really just physical sensations. That'south why they are called feelings. Notice how your trunk feels, in the present moment, without judgment.
3. Idea Shifting
You've cleaved the obsession, and are in the safe space of reality. The third step to stop intrusive thoughts about your Ex is to intentionally shift your attention to something positive or pleasurable.
For example, you lot tin can shift to thinking about going to tiffin with a friend this afternoon, or weekend plans. If shifting mentally is as well hard you can also shift your attention to something that is happening in the present moment: Watching a movie, listening to music, or petting your canis familiaris.
Shifting is of import because the thoughts nosotros habitually recollect about become stronger. When you practice shifting, the intrusive thoughts about your Ex will go weaker.
4. Putting It All Together
You go stabbed in the brain with the image of your Ex having hot sex with the new person.
- Get aware that you are having a idea about something that isn't happening right now.
- Shift your attention to physical reality: The color of the table, the taste of your tea, your heart pounding in your chest.
- So, very deliberately, think virtually going skiing with your friend this weekend.
- Repeat as needed. (And plan on doing this many times a day, at first.)
Shifting your awareness or distracting yourself does non mean that you lot are avoiding or stuffing your feelings. "Obsessing" is not the same matter as "Processing." It'south mentally picking at a scab that you lot are non assuasive to heal. Yous have to get unstuck from the obsession phase in order for healthy new growth to occur.
v. Get Real Help
I will too add that, in my feel in working with people going through this (and in my own personal horrible breakup experience) these steps and strategies are piece of cake to talk about, and much harder to do. Many, if not nigh people going through what you're going through need support to move forward and go unstuck from this incredibly painful space.
Pro tip: About therapists accept non been introduced to the enquiry around the biologically based reasons nosotros get profoundly stuck on Exes and accept a really hard time moving on. As such, many standard-issue therapists will attempt to "assistance" past getting y'all to talk about your family of origin, or challenging life experiences, your unusually depression cocky esteem, etcetera.
These therapists are so well pregnant, but really do not understand that their attempt to connect your "stuckness" to some unresolved emotional pain or psychological disorder is not just misguided and unhelpful: It makes it worse instead of amend. (When you're already feeling depression, the final thing you need is a therapist making you feel like this is happening considering you're inherently disordered or broken in some way.)
This is Non why you're feeling the fashion you are. You're feeling this way because y'all are a human being who, just like the residue of us, is built to bond. These bonds are fierce and enduring, and are not affected past logic or reason. Do begin releasing your zipper you lot demand to be addressing information technology from an evidence-based, biologically -informed attachment perspective.
This arroyo is a "whole enchilada." The cerebral skills I shared with you are merely one role of a much larger gear up of skills and experiences that the healing process requires. It's the organisation of healing I fabricated available for you in my online Heal Your Cleaved Heart breakup recovery plan, and the blazon of breakup recovery coaching that we exercise here at Growing Self. If yous are interested in doing meaningful breakup recovery counseling with me or one of the coaches on our team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation phone call to talk over your goals and how we tin aid you more forward.
That said, these techniques are powerful tools and I promise that they are helpful to yous. I'd like to hear your thoughts about them. If yous have other practices that you've used successfully, please share your strategies in the comments and then that others who may be hurting can benefit from your wisdom.
— Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Source: https://www.growingself.com/free-advice-articles-podcasthow-to-stop-obsessing-about-your-ex-moving-on/
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